Hummers: The Gift of Satan?

Per usual, I was driving home from work in a bit of a daze - and out of nowhere a two ton Hummer comes barreling down a congested and narrow road without looking to see if anyone else was driving on it first and if it weren't for the fact that I drive a small car and have quick reflexes I'd probably be dead right now. I flipped the guy off and kept driving. And even though a Hummer driver may not come that close to hitting me again I have decided that from now on every one of these vehicles that passes me will get the finger and I think everyone out there should do the same thing. (I have since come across a whole website dedicated to Hummer Hating: FUH2.com)

Why?

Well, quite simple: These Ex-Military vehicles do not belong on our streets for a number of reasons and I think this one is such a horrific offense to the people of this country that the only thing that came to mind when trying to explain this are the Seven Deadly Sins*. Each sin is listed below with the reason, (and in many cases reasonS), why these vehicles are nothing more then a gift of Satan himself.

Pride: Why else would someone spend that much money to drive around in this god awful thing? They could own a nice Lexus Hybrid** or one of those high end Mercedes SUV's - instead they want the status of the Hummer. They want to advertise to the world that "Hey, I drive a tank and I can AFFORD the $300 to fill the tank every two days!" It is the essence of American Hubris! Just because everyone else in America needs to go through gasoline like water doesn't mean you have to go through more of it to compete with your neighbors.

Greed: Hmmm - well if I want to get a hybrid and get a TerraPass because it means that I'll be taking less of a chunk out of the environment and maybe even setting an example for others then what kind of message is someone who chooses to drive a Hummer giving? All that it says to me is that they'll take whatever they can get, however they can get it, even if it means they have to support a war that kills their children, destroy the environment and take up more space on a city street to do it. The other, and more confusing part of this whole thing, is that everybody knows that people who buy a hybrid get a tax break - but did you know that people who drive SUV's get one too? Greedy political sons-of-bitches!

Anger: People who drive Hummers cannot, under any circumstances, be nice, caring, giving and happy people. Someone buys a car like that to scream, "I CAN RUN YOU OVER ASSHOLE! AND I CAN AFFORD THE LAWSUIT!!" without saying a word.

Lust: I can see it now: Big, stupid meathead with lots and lots of cash walks into a car dealer and say, "Me Like Big Ugly Car!" Car salesmen says, "Well, it costs a whole lot to run - do you have $100 to get across town?" Caveman with money looks at car dealer and says, "Me Likey! Me Wanty!!" Friends of the Caveman even try to chim in, "But C.M., you don't offroad, you don't tow, and you live in the suburbs! What do you need that car for?" At this point the Caveman doesn't care, he buys it blindly because he doesn't want to listen to anyone - he's in love and nobody is going to stop him. These people have no self control! Moral: Hummers are like fast food people... just because you like it, doesn't mean it's any good for you!

Gluttony: This one seems to be the most applicable of the 7. People who drive this vehicle use too much of the nations resources getting their groceries and picking up the kids from soccer practice. They slurp up the attention of on-lookers - when most of the on-lookers I know are just thinking to themselves how big of an asshole someone is for really owning that thing. These people are like big children that move from one toy to the next - never really happy with what they have because their always after the next big thing.

Sloth: I have put this one last on purpose - because in one way or another every single American that has a car is guilty. Admittedly, I own a car so I am not free of sin - but we need to walk more. Those who choose to drive a Hummer, however, seem to revel in the fact that there is no need to walk when you can ride and spew fumes at the same time.


*I have no belief in god, devil, heaven or hell what-so-ever. I do however, believe that people can sin against man kind and have chosen to use the 7 deadly sins to illustrate my point here because they, like the ten commandments, are universally true.

**Like Lexus, Hummer is coming out with their own "Environmentally Safe" vehicle. They are realeasing a Hydrogen powered Hummer. Now, this sound great and all - but a normal sedan could run weeks and hundreds of miles between fill-up with this technology. A hydrogen powered Hummer on the other hand: 12 gallons = 60 miles between fill-ups. Advances in technology don't mean that we have to up our usage. If we could only keep it the same we might actually see some progress!